Allow me to introduce Doof. Doof is a word, a concept, and a fact of life. The more observant readers will notice that Doof is “food” spelled backwards. And that is exactly what Doof is–food in reverse. Non-food. Anti-food, the dietary equivalent of anti-matter.How can we recognize Doof? Here are some guidelines and questions to ask oneself before committing any Doof to one’s digestive tract:
1. Colour. Found in nature or a test-tube? Note that the pictured Peep is flourescent pink. Similar to flamingos and perhaps parrots. I don’t eat parrots. Or flamingos. Do you? Do you eat parrots? Why?
2. Ingredients. How many are there? More than 10 and it’s well on its way to Doof-ness. Do you even recognize them? Can you pronounce them without moving your lips? Any of them? One? If the answer is yes, are you a chemist?
3. Style vs substance. Nature does not give us “perfect” shapes (see: Oreo cookies, fish crackers), or “perfect” colour (see: maraschino cherries, margarine). Do the decorative assets triumph over nutritional value in the food product you are about to devour?
4. Purpose. Do you really need to eat this? Honestly? Is it from a prison vending machine, and the only option? Are there vending machines in prison?
5. Packaging. The ratio of packaging to food is often an indicator of Doof-ness. Peep packaging is overkill for a product which could be thrown in a bag. But then it wouldn’t look as nice.
Doof. Remember: just because it’s edible doesn’t mean it’s food.
