Yes, It Is A Recession

How to Fabulize Your Wardrobe

I was in a café with some friends recently when the French Waitress, employing her Charming French Accent to good affect, approached a member of our group.
“Excuse me,” she said. “But may I ask you a very intimate question?”
“Uh, yes,” responded my surprised friend.
Conversation ceased immediately. We were all all ears.
“Who is your shirt?” asked the serveuse.
My friend gave the name of a designer. The other members of our table, disappointed, resumed talking.
“At least you didn’t have to say Forever 21,” I quipped.
“Or H&M, like the rest of my wardrobe,” she replied.
This little episode set a thought process going in my brain. Why not Forever 21*, but with a twist?

Toujours Ving-et-un

Per Sempre Vent-uno

Immer Einundzwanzig

Sounds...mysterious. Foreign. Stylish. I should write ad copy for a living.
Really what I’m doing is borrowing a technique from the cosmetics industry, where making up vaguely French-sounding names and throwing in a few redundant accents for good measure has long been industry practice. Consider: Hydrience, Prevage, Curél, Pharmagel’s Eye Beauté (yes, beauté is a French word but why not “beauty”?).

Target has long been mocked as Targé, but other options are: Die Zie, La Cible or L’Objectif. I particularly like L’Objectif. It sounds so Central Intelligence Agency.

Consider: La Vielle Marine; Die Lücke; Nove Ovest.** If you’re wearing H&M, be sure to say Hennes and Mauritz–most people won’t figure that out. Or go one better and Swedish it up with Hennes och Mauritz. Uniqlo is already hipster-fabulous. To out-hipster the hipsters means learning a little Japanese pronunciation: Kabushiki-gaisha yunikuro. Better yet: 株式会社ユニクロ.

*Their despicable labour practices is why not, but that’s for another post
** I make no claims as to the legitimacy of these translations¬–but then, neither do many retailers with theirs.